Boundaries vs. Rules
A common topic in session is boundaries. We are either setting new boundaries, or encountering someone else’s. It is always good, hard work, and worth it to explore.
Confusion
When we find ourselves confused about boundaries it’s often because we’re confusing them with rules. When we set a boundary, we are telling ourselves how we want to act or respond to a situation. When we set a rule, we are telling someone else how we want them to act or respond to a situation.
Each of these tools serves a useful purpose, but they are useful at different times. If you are working with a person who has shown they are willing to follow rules, you might find that tool serves your purposes.
Pros: you are able to rely on another person’s capability to support your needs.
Cons: you are relinquishing management of your need. You require the other person’s cooperation in order to meet your need.
If you are working with a person who behaves unpredictably to your requests or communication, you might find that boundaries serve your purposes.
Pros: you are in charge of supporting your needs.
Cons: it will be entirely up to you to protect the value or principle that the boundary is addressing.
How to Set a Rule
Identify the need you are noticing. Use words that directly connect the need to the action, avoid triangulation (asking someone else to speak for you) or vague language.
Example of a rule: “Do not knock on the door because I do not want to open it.”
If the person is unable to keep to the rules, the responsibility returns to you to evaluate, modify, or re-state the rule. If your need or value continues to be threatened, it may be unreasonable to ask someone else to manage that particular need or value for you.
How to Set a Boundary
Identify the need you are noticing. Clearly communicate your new boundary. If or when a person does not see or refuses to honor your new boundary, you are still in charge of protecting your value.
Example of a boundary: “I do not want to open the door so I will not open it even if you knock.”
When we feel uncomfortable after setting a boundary, we often begin to consider exceptions. We have made ourselves available in certain ways in the past that extended beyond our tolerance and now we must take action to feel safer, more protected, or more stable around someone. We set boundaries in order to preserve or maintain space, often within relationships.
How to Encounter a Boundary
It can be helpful to use an analogy to explore our relationship with boundaries. One analogy is that of a glass door. Have you ever run into one by accident? I have! It’s embarrassing, it hurts, it causes us to change course. We might encounter someone’s boundary before we know it’s there. If the boundary is set by someone we feel close to, we might have questions, wonder why there is a door where there used to be none. We might challenge the purpose of the door, or be unsure as to why our access or route has been changed. It can be helpful to ask questions, seek understanding, and remain curious. But you may not get answers, and you may not fully understand. It may be helpful to pause long enough to frame your thoughts in some helpful ways: “They put a boundary in place because they needed to.”
When we encounter a boundary, our next move is to navigate it properly. Ask questions if possible. Listen for the new actions or responses the other person is displaying. If they are not opening the door, stop knocking. If their explanation offers new guidance - “I’ll be willing to talk next week, on this day, at this time.” - honor the new path to connection.
Encountering boundaries is often a difficult change to what used to be normal. We will experience emotional responses, and we will have the chance to grow in understanding and compassion.
With you on this journey.
Mandi