Patterns: People-pleasing
Why do we People - Please?
People-pleasing is exhausting, so why do you do it? You are always willing to say yes when asked to help a friend move, even if you’ve committed to something else at the same time. You say yes when asked to take on one more role at work, even though your current roles are suffering. You are self-sacrificing, and that feels good, but you’re constantly sick, and that feels bad. You volunteer at church; you show up early to help and stay late to clean up, but your home is a disaster. Your own needs for rest or help go unspoken. People don’t really know how you’re doing, because you always say “I’m fine!” when they ask. You say yes when you want to say no, you over-commit without knowing how to admit it, and you shut down or avoid when you need a break.
The Problems it Causes
Stress
People-pleasers often struggle with constant stress. They have too many things on their to-do list and too few hours in the day. Their inability to delegate or say no prevents them from ever catching up on rest or feeling accomplished. The chronic fear of possibly letting someone down produces symptoms of anxiety, constant worry, and physical problems like stomach aches, headaches, and frequent colds. Depression symptoms also plague people-pleasers, because their own needs are often neglected.
Not Enough Self-Care
The people-pleaser is often lacking in self-care. You would like to take time off, take care of yourself, or get more rest, but if taking a nap or going to bed at a reasonable time gets in the way of doing something for someone else, your own need is sacrificed. Not enough rest, not enough attention, and not enough consideration all result from not enough communication. The people-pleaser does not know how to speak up when they need something.
Anxiety
A common toll that people-pleasing takes is chronic anxiety. The fear of disappointing someone is the driving force behind people-pleasing behaviors. Despite the name, it is not altruism but fearful avoidance that causes someone to chronically avoid their own needs and divert their attention instead to everyone else’s. Fearful avoidance of disappointing others is the motivator. The people-pleaser is often convinced that if they ever put their needs above someone else’s, the other person’s disappointment would mean catastrophic rejection, an end to a relationship, or violent anger.
Bitterness
Over time, you may become angry at others for asking so much of you. You don’t yet know how to clearly communicate your limits, so you give in to their requests, but you resent them or yourself. You may use sarcastic humor or subtle hints to try to express your needs, hoping someone will notice and offer help before you have to ask for it. You feel angry at people, but when they ask you if anything is wrong, you brush it off and say you are fine. You wish others could read your mind, and you feel stuck when they can’t.
Ways to Interrupt the Cycle
The most powerful tool to help you break the cycle of people-pleasing is tolerating disappointment. When we disappoint someone, it’s uncomfortable. But you can learn to disappoint someone, feel the discomfort, and notice that you are okay. Next time you turn down an invitation or tell someone you disagree, allow yourself to wait and watch after the disappointing news. You will notice that the other person can move on, and so can you. You must build tolerance for the difficult emotions that follow disappointment.
Pause before you volunteer again, or say yes to another request. Answer with something like, "Let me check my schedule and get back to you". This buys you time to consider your ability to help or participate and gives you the chance to notice your own needs and prioritize them when necessary.
Set limits. When you decide to say yes, also decide on when, where, and how. Tell them you are available on a particular day or for a certain period of time only. Everyone has limits, and it is helpful to communicate yours in order to recognize when your time and energy have been treated respectfully.
Be realistic about your capabilities. Practice compassionate management of your schedule - set aside time to prepare and arrive at events, and time to leave and unwind. Avoid scheduling back-to-back commitments when it’s not realistic, as it will only decrease the quality of time spent on each task. If you need to make money, don’t accept work without pay. If you need to eat, don’t commit to a meeting during your only lunch break.
Avoid apologizing or accepting blame when you are not at fault. If someone is telling you about a need they have that you cannot meet, instead of an apology, try offering sympathy. We feel bad for someone in need when we can’t help; that is normal. That doesn’t mean their struggle is your fault.
Once you begin to notice your tolerance increasing, you will see that you are working within your capabilities instead of stretching yourself too thin. You'll say "yes" to things you can do, and "no" to things you can't, and you won't feel like you’ve betrayed yourself. You will be known more genuinely to friends and family, and most importantly, you will experience the opportunity for love and acceptance that your former people-pleasing self longed for.
Surround Yourself with Support
Trauma-informed Coaching is a helpful way to spend a brief amount of time getting direct, tailored guidance for specific situations involving people-pleasing, difficult conversations, and updated boundary work.
Trauma-informed Therapy is a compassionate, supportive processing of deep-rooted associations with patterns of people-pleasing. Often starting in long-term relationships or early family attachments, some of these patterns caused wounds that require attention before new patterns can comfortably take root.
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The information provided in this article is for educational and informational purposes only and is not intended as medical advice, diagnosis, or treatment. Reading this content does not establish a therapeutic relationship and should not be considered a substitute for professional mental health care, medical advice, diagnosis, or treatment from a qualified provider. Always seek the advice of your physician, therapist, or other licensed healthcare provider regarding any questions you may have about a medical or mental health condition.